After my last post, I have of course been thinking thoughts.

I’m always thinking thoughts – it’s in my nature. Hell, I started this blog to record my thoughts, as a way of this “working on my stuff” thing that I’ve been trying to do for the last year or so. I haven’t been keeping up with it very well, lately, but that’s because I’ve been hiding.

(I’d promise more about the hiding thing, but I already know I probably won’t write the post. This blog works so much better when I write about what’s actually on my mind, instead of writing posts I feel I should write or posts I think I owe my readers. Ahem – anyway.)

These particular thoughts are very ill-formed. They’re about art, and my stuff, and how the two of them interact. They’re about my passion and my message and how I’ve got baggage that appears to be getting in the way of that. As usual, I don’t have any answers yet, only questions. And as usual, I don’t want advice.

So let’s start at the beginning. This could get long. And windy. That’s the inside of my brain.

The starting point is this: I want in to hitRECord.

Oh man, do I ever want in. I want to be one of those people. One of those artistic people who actually creates stuff. Who collaborates. Who uses their passion to make real things happen in the world, things that affect other people. I want to use my passion to make things. I want to use my passion for something.

But I immediately begin to doubt my own motives.

Do I just want to do this so I can have some weird tenuous connection to a celebrity?

It made my heart leap when I read on the web site that hitRECord was at SXSW this year, and so were quite a few of my online friends. Man. Maybe if I was involved in that project, I’d have an excuse to go next year or the year after… and yeah, a chance at meeting a seriously talented actor who has also done this amazing thing and who I fangirl like crazy would hardly be a downside.

If that’s what I really want – well, what happened to the sheer joy of creation and collaboration, what happened to art for art’s sake? Am I just jumping on this bandwagon to be a fangirl?

Maybe.

On the other hand. Yes, I’m constructing elaborate fantasies in my head. But the more I explore them, the more I notice that they’re not really about the actor in question. Not really. Yes, it would be cool to get to meet him and talk about the concept of the remix and about transformative art. Hell, yes. But… it would be rather cool to sit down with anyone and talk about the concept of the remix and transformative art.

This isn’t about Joseph Gordon-Levitt really. (Not that he didn’t do an awesome thing.) The things I’m thinking about run deeper than that.

This is about connection.

It’s about like-minded people.

Joe (I think I get to call him that) is just a human, happens-to-be-famous face on my fantasies about connection and like-minded people.

Okay, so that’s a revelation I can live with. I mean, objectively, looking around my life right now – connection and like-minded people are a bit lacking, at least in person. To a certain extent, that’s been by design lately. (Depression, yay.) But the desire to get connected with people who are thinking the same things that I’m thinking is resurfacing.

I have people with whom I share some interests. Various fandoms. Working-on-my-stuff. Language geekery. Music, to a degree. But so much of what goes on in my head goes unshared.

I want to share it.

That’s revelation number one.

The other part is where I am terrified to take part in this hitRECord thing. Terrified, yes.

Partly because of the doubting-of-my-motives. That’s part of it. But it’s not all of it. I think there’s a lot more stuff to be unpacked. (Do I have to unpack it? Probably not. Do I want to? Don’t know. But there it is, waiting to be unpacked.)

Part of it is the plain, simple, “not good enough” thing. Yeah, I know about that issue. The perfectionist thing. The thinking I’m filthy and disgusting and I suck. That’s old news and I find it boring and miserable and it’s still not resolved and… wow, pile of ick. How to navigate that ick, I’m not sure yet.

Part of it is a feeling of not being very comfortable with my own fannishness. Not sure what the core problem is here, so I’m just going to write down what I know about it. I know that yes, there is part of me that is wanting to connect with this actor dude in some sort of meaningful way. (That in itself is a fannish desire, the wanting to connect with him simply because he’s cool.) And I’m wary of actually taking a punt at something that might lead to some sort of connection with him, while doing other fannish stuff that…

Oh, how to put this. Christ.

I’m writing fan fiction about a character that he played in a film. It’s almost certainly going to be romantic with another (male) character in that film. It might get explicit (it might not, at this point). In light of that, the whole interacting-in-his-actual-world-in-any-way thing seems very uncomfortable to me.

There, I said it.

I am not ashamed of writing fan fiction. I’m not ashamed of writing erotic fiction. Most of the time, I’m not ashamed of writing erotic fan fiction. But as a fan, I write these stories on the assumption that the people who might look at these stories and go “oh holy God” are so far removed from me that… well, that that is never going to happen.

I am extremely wary of taking that barrier down.

Which. OH. OH! It’s a boundary issue!

Everything is about boundaries for me. Almost everything that disturbs me or troubles me or upsets me is about boundaries in some way (or more to the point, about lack of boundaries). And fannishness for me is quite often a safe way to let the boundaries down and let myself get sucked deeply into something – and get all the pleasure and benefits of being-sucked-in with less of the danger of, say, being deeply sucked into a romantic relationship, because the “real life” boundary is so very solid.

And by aiming myself at hitRECord like this, I’m also removing some of the boundary between myself and someone I’m actually fannish about. I’m creating a small but real possibility that we might connect in some way. I even stuck his name on my tweet about the last blog post, in case he might be interested that someone was blogging about him.

So there’s this intense desire to connect with this person about whom I am very fannish.

And then there’s this intense desire to stay far away from him – to keep the boundary intact, so I can be safe.

Wow.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is why I keep this blog, I think. Without writing that down somewhere, I wouldn’t have figured any of that out.

Now I’m going to hit publish.

Comment-related request

Before I do, though… a request.

I really don’t want advice on how to deal with this issue or whether or not to get involved with hitRECord on the basis of what I’ve just written. I’ll get to making that decision all on my own, and at this point, advice would just confuse me. (There’s some part of me that still believes I “have to” follow it, no matter how much it sounds like a suggestion, and I’d rather not muddy the waters just now.)

What I’d also like to avoid is judgements about the fan fiction, the erotic writing, the fannish interest in general, and… okay, I don’t want to be judged. (Or at least, if you’re going to judge me, please do it in the privacy of your own home rather than commenting on the blog.) And if anyone else shares their experiences in the comments, please don’t judge them, either. I know you guys wouldn’t, my lovely commenter-mice, but just in case someone stumbles across the blog.

That’s all for now.

Maybe I’ll see you tomorrow. I’d forgotten how amazingly useful this process is.

People, I need for someone to believe me.

I need someone to believe me when I say I’m ill with depression.

I need someone to believe me when I say that my mental health problems are real, that I’m doing the best that I can with a chronic and debilitating illness, and that right now, as a result, my best efforts just aren’t very good.

I need someone to hear that I’m deep in avoidance mode and I can’t bring myself to face up to the mountain of problems that I have. That all the problems seem tangled up together, and it feels impossible to face just one strand, because that’s the same as facing up to the whole panic-inducing lump.

I need someone to understand that it’s hard to be me right now. Maybe I don’t have the hardest lot ever, or even the hardest lot in my family, but right now I do feel that I have more troubles than I can handle. And I don’t know how to ask for help. (Or what that help would look like if I got it.)

But more than anything, I need someone to understand and believe that this illness isn’t all of me.

I’m not faking or overplaying it or milking it. It’s very hard right now.

But also, also – I need someone to believe that I’m not just a lump of illness. That I’m a whole person that happens to be ill right now. That there’s hope for me, that I have a chance to work on it and make it better, that I might have a future.

Right now – honest to God – I can’t do any of that for myself.

So this is the help I’m asking for and the place that I’m asking for it in.

(At least one very important person in my life doesn’t believe and understand these things, no matter how hard I try to explain. So I’m trying to get that belief and understanding from other sources. I don’t know if it’ll help, but I’m trying to meet the need I think I’ve identified, so let’s give it a shot.)

I am still sick and jetlagged. Ew.

There has been lots of Doctor Who and World of Warcraft this weekend… and I’m feeling cut off, tired, headachy and miserable. (Plus, every now and then, a bit like I got punched in my right eye. Bloody sinus problems.)

I’m feeling completely sorry for myself right now.

So here I am, making a tiny effort to wake up and be seen.

A year ago, I had all these plans. They haven’t come to fruition. Other stuff has, but the random business activities are all quite new to me. (The actual things I’m doing, not new, but turning them into a biz, very new.)
I probably need to tweak the sales pages, but it’s difficult to know where to start and how.

(I also think that I need to cut my prices in half. And figure out where the hell my potential clients are hiding.)

Okay, it’s weird and scary being honest about the part where things aren’t taking off yet. Vulnerable. And of course there’s a billion and one info products out there that promise to help me, but I wonder if I mightn’t just need to start using what I already know, and what I’ve already bought.

Anyway. That’s all for today. Poking my head above the parapet and saying hi.

Today, it’s very hard to make decisions.

Should I work on fiction, or should I work on the astrology-related ebook I’m tinkering with?

Should I try to draw up some charts, or not?

Should I work on sorting out some more of the laundry (thanks for the tips, people!) or do some more unpacking… or what?

Should I read? If so, what?

Should I watch an episode of Blood Ties? Or Doctor Who?

Should I sign up for Pace and Kyeli’s World-Changing Writing Class when registration opens, even though I most definitely do not have the money?

What should I do?

Actually, maybe it’s the word “should” that’s a problem.

I’ve had good experience in the past with making a list of possibilities and then checking in with myself – or even checking in with my future self to see what would be helfpul to her. But the word “should” still dogs me.

Like, I’m supposed to be going on holiday the day after tomorrow with a bunch of friends. There’s no reason to predict it’s going to be anything other than awesome fun, but I’m still nervous (partly because I haven’t socialized with anyone in a long, long time). But I feel that I shouldn’t be nervous. And that’s having an effect.

(I’m also wondering if having a slow reintroduction into socializing would be a good idea. But it’s a bit late for that now.)

In the meantime, here I am in the middle of it all, trying my best to deal with being in the place I am in.

It’s not easy, but I’m okay, and I don’t need really need advice. A little tea and sympathy wouldn’t go amiss.

Nor would a few emails or tweets or comments or whatever just waving hello. I’m feeling pretty lonely, which doesn’t seem to be helping!

I am sick, SICK of living like this and I want to change.

I want to change EVERYTHING at once.

That seems impossible. Probably it IS impossible.

I want to start taking better care of myself. That means being clean, eating good meals regularly, exercising, and taking care of my appearance (facial waxing, feet and nails occasionally, maybe a haircut).

I want to start making money – with a job, the astrology biz, writing, whatever.

I want to be writing more often.

I want to be playing the piano and singing regularly too.

I want to be finding things to do that are more exciting than World of Warcraft. But not neglecting WoW entirely.

I want to be taking part more in the KT and the Biggification program.

I want to be actually hanging out with people who are not my parents on a regular basis. Actual, in-person friends would be awesome. (Totally linked to the self-care stuff, as I feel I am not allowed to hang out with people unless I am clean.)

I want to be out of debt. (Linked to money stuff. Duh.)

I want to figure out what to do with the OU course. I don’t want to give it up because, well, I want to have succeeded at it, but I don’t want to actually do the work because it is SO boring. Like, seriously. I’d rather start again with a new course in a more challenging or at least new-to-me subject.

I want to find something to do that Engages My Brain. I’m BORED.

I want to figure out ways to have more energy. Because it’s hard not to be bored if you have no energy to do anything cool.

I want connection. With people. And love, laughter, and enjoyment. The kind of happy vibes I got on retreat or that I get at Camp Sparkle or that I have had at times hanging out with friends in London or Newcastle. I want MY people around me, dammit. I get the same vibes hanging out with “my people” on WoW, too, another reason I don’t want to give it up.

I want to work through some of the stuff that is stressing me out and probably sucking my energy away.

I want to find space to be the awesome person I know I could be if things were only a bit different. She gets buried sometimes. I want to stop blaming the outside world for making me rubbish. I want to stop blaming myself, too. At the same time, I’m angry that I’m rubbish, and I want someone to blame, dammit.

I want more people to read this blog. I want a little group of people who read and comment, cheer me on, or engage with the ideas on the blog. I want there to be some actual ideas on the blog for people to engage with.

I want to do Shiva Nata every day.

I want space to do yoga if I want to.

I want to be a better person.

I have lots of ideas, and not the faintest idea where to start.

Also, I want my brain to please be quiet at night so I can get some sleep.

The end.

I am one of these people that loves to dream, but finds the dreams hard to achieve. I think I’m finally starting to figure out why.

It’s like this for me. Dreaming is the very beginning of a plan. You envision. You hope. Things get connected and pulled together in your head. It’s the moment of yes-I-would-love-to-do-that and it’s awesome. I find I can stay in that dreaming phase for a long time, but I’ve also found that dreaming is not the same as planning. And that planning is a vital stage in the process.

See, I can’t go right from dreaming to doing. Well: I can. But it’s another way of not quite looking life in the eye, because the dreaming stage is when you assume everything will go right, and planning is when you hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Rushing into stuff unprepared is – well, depending on the situation, it can be dangerous. It’s almost always risky in one sense or another. And I’ve spent a lot of my life doing things on impulse, which means skipping the planning stage altogether.

So I’m a novice planner. And I’m learning stuff as I go. Just recently, when I introduced the goals that are going to help me fight the fog, I instated a new programme which I am referring to as Mad Planning Mode.

It’s a cool thing. I have a brown envelope, which I have covered with shiny butterfly stickers from Paperchase. It’s full of pieces of paper on which I have scrawled, written or drawn. Listed missions that will take me closer to each of the goals. Made plans and figured out how to follow through on them.

Long-term, we’ll see if it works out – if some of the big goals on that list happen for me. So far, I’ve already achieved one of the goals, which was to claim benefit to help support me while I’m recovering from this whole depression thing. I started with nine, so now I’m down to eight. Would I have achieved this without the help of Mad Planning Mode? Does that matter?

It’s all an experiment. (I’m starting to learn that it’s always an experiment.) But the more I learn about the kind of planning that works for me, the more confident I feel about making these plans happen.

Yes, the butterfly stickers are important.

If you celebrate, dear readers, I hope you have a fabulous Easter.

So the part where I’m trying to actually look at what’s going on for me is going pretty well. I’ve done some processing, and I’m even making progress on some of the stuff that’s been bothering me. (Plus, one of the problems solved itself without me having to do anything, which was really nice.)

Tonight I want to talk – quite briefly! – about another thing that’s helping me. It’s a thing that I think I’ve sort of referred to in passing, without ever tackling it head on. But it’s worth actually writing about, I think.

It’s a thing I’ve been playing with and learning about for years, but funnily enough, it’s morning pages that have been really help me get the concept. And the concept is this:

I don’t have to analyse everything I do. Just observing it is pretty powerful on its own.

Observing that I do it. Observing how I do it. I still have this burning desire to ask why? every time I notice something. But I’m also noticing that that’s becoming easier to overcome. Or rather… overcome isn’t the right word, and I don’t know what is.

It’s getting easier to step away from, I think is the thing. Like: instead of immediately succumbing to the desire to analyze, I can… notice it. Observe it.

The things I do are all useful information and I don’t have to interrogate them in order to learn something. I noticed that it was happening: that’s a learning already. I don’t have to push it. Sometimes I want to, but I’m noticing more and more that the analysis I do doesn’t really have the best results.

It’s partly because analysis, for me, is all about circular thinking, which usually results in digging myself deeper into the hole. (The urge to analyse, I should point out, mostly shows up when I feel like crap and what to know why, dammit.)

It’s also partly because analysing seems to be a way of letting my monsters run the show. Even more digging.

But the most important piece of knowledge – for me, anyway – is that analysing doesn’t make me understand myself any better or faster. Asking questions is not the right way to go (as much as there is ever a right way). What I mean is: the most helpful thing I have found so far is to stand back and watch.

If you think about it, this is similar to a scientific study. Asking the subject of a research project about their behaviour often gives you quite a different impression from observing their behaviour. Why shouldn’t this work with myself, as well as other people?

Now, the thing about a blog post is this. Either I’m telling you nothing new, or you won’t be able to really grok this concept, because you haven’t had experiences that lead you to do so. It’s something you can know intellectually, for months or even years, without properly getting it. (I sure did!) Knowing in your body is something else and it has to come from… well, doing it, and seeing that it works.

There’s no way I’m going to proclaim that this epiphany about myself is going to be true for you, dear reader, or for anyone else. Hell, people are different. It could be that for you, analysing everything deeply is the best way to find stuff out about yourself. It’s not for me, that’s all I’m saying.

But if you’re in the group that’s thinking, “that makes sense on a surface level but I don’t really get it”, I have a small piece of unsolicited advice for you:

Try it. Observe yourself without interrogating – just for a day or an hour or a minute. See what happens.

If it doesn’t help, that’s useful information, too.

It’s pretty hard to take the standards off this blog for some reason – especially when I feel like I don’t have something to write.

If I was posting to Dreamwidth (which I rarely do these days, but feel I should more often), I’d be totally comfortable writing something like this:

Hey, guys. Don’t have much to say tonight, but thought I would check in.

What’s up with everybody?

But here, writing a blog post requires having an idea for a blog post, – which right now is hard.

Why?

I’m at home – the place I’m moving out of at the end of next month. I’ve spent the day packing, throwing stuff away, and sneezing. (Also, of course, playing World of Warcraft when I needed a break.) I seem to have a dust allergy, and this place is absolutely full of dust.

I haven’t lived in this room for more than six months, really.

Even before that, I was depressed and letting things get pretty bad.

And even before that, I was pretty bad at getting around to tidying up and cleaning.

So the room is filthy. I’m going to hire a cleaner to take care of it before I move out – I simply can’t handle the idea of cleaning it out all by myself. Once all my stuff is moved out, someone professional is going to come in and make it shiny, and then I can be moved out knowing that everything’s as it should be.

It feels like a bad thing to do – I’m such a slacker, I should clean the place myself! But I’m giving myself permission to do it. And I’m going to point out to myself that even if I weren’t ill, this would be a big job.

I’m allowed.

This rather went places I didn’t expect it to. Maybe that’s the advantage of writing and just seeing where it goes instead of “having an idea for a blog post”.

See you tomorrow, people.

What’s up with everybody?