I didn’t even realize this was a shift until today.

I have this habit of observing my own behaviour. (Who doesn’t? Isn’t the ability to reflect on our own actions part of what makes us human?)

More to the point, I have this long-standing pattern of observing my behaviour and then beating myself up about it. I’d imagine this is pretty common among the human race, too. For me, it quite often didn’t matter what I was doing – beating myself up was a reflexive action. Like blinking.

And – again, I’m sure, like lots of others – I’ve spent years on end trying to break this habit. Trying to stop. Mostly what I’ve discovered over this time is that trying to stop beating myself up doesn’t really work that well. There are lots of methods to try to stop beating yourself up and I have made at least preliminary passes at most of them. Nothing’s worked, and nothing has even given me enough of a hint that it might work for me to pursue it seriously.

(We’ll talk another time about my scanner nature. Possibly after I’ve read the book about being a scanner.)

So: beating myself up is a habit I just can’t quit. If I said that my discovery is that I’ve stopped beating myself up entirely – well, that’d be a lie. The beat-me-up voices in my head are alive and well. But I’ve discovered that there is a new mode that’s asserting myself when I come across behaviour and thinking I don’t like.

Instead of thinking “ohgodI’msostupidandevilwhycan’tIjuststopdoingthatridiculousthing”, I’m starting to think, “Huh. I wonder what that’s about?”

Where did this come from?

Is it morning pages? (I notice that I’ve been practicing doing this in the morning pages.)

Is it spending lots of time with the Havis and Heidis and Hiros of the world? People who are all about the conscious-intentional-relationship-with-yourself, and about the curiosity, and about the spirituality.

What about all the other wonderful people I’ve met through that circle of “Havi people”? Is it down to them?

Was it going on retreat that sparked this shift?

Was it Dance of Shiva?

Was it just time for me to finally make this change?

It was something. Maybe it was a combination of all these things put together. Lots of little shifts, making up a big shift – one that I’m really pleased with and proud of.

I can’t say I’ve stopped beating myself up. Not by any stretch of the imagination. But I’ve discovered, after all this time, that I have another option.

And you know what else helps? The fact that I’m beginning to be able to just ask that question and not do any more. Asking the question doesn’t have to lead to a big, deep process of internal investigation. It might lead to a couple of insights, but similarly, it might not. Just asking the question is enough, and it’s important to acknowledge that. It’s important that the process of figuring out why I am the way I am doesn’t become a should in itself, because the moment it does is the moment I’ll start resisting it.

Right now, I’m just loving the fact that I can learn shit about myself. It’s kind of awesome.