So I’m home again, and settling back into my usual patterns – all the comfortable bits and difficult bits that I’m used to. But with a twist, because I just came back from retreat and everything’s a bit different. Whether this will last or not, I don’t really know, but I feel a bit more distanced from all the patterns. In a good way.
It’s weird. One thing I’m noticing is my pattern of putting things off.
Ha ha, you might say. It’s not like this is the first time I’ve ever noticed this pattern. It’s pervasive, in that effects a huge number of different things in my life.
Things I want to get done.
Things I need to get done.
Getting out of bed in the morning.
Writing to-do lists.
Dealing with emails.
Writing blog posts.
It seems like all of these things get put off until the absolute last minute. Or in some cases, unti people are hounding me to get back to them. It’s kind of a distressing pattern because it often leaves me in a panic about stuff I need or want to get done and it ends up with certain things falling off my plate – not in a measured, “I don’t want to do this thing so I shan’t do it” way, but because I simply run out of time or forget.
I don’t like this thing the way it is. It’s definitely a pattern I want to shift.
So I’m thinking about doing an experiment. (I’m feeling more optimistic about doing experiments, since retreat.) The experiment is really simple: I’m going to pick a couple of things I’d like to do tomorrow, and I’m going to work on them.
Thing One: I’d like to get started on my homework for Cairene McDonald’s Time Disciples course. Cairene is truly awesome, and I’m really wanting to get going on this, but the first homework has been freaking me out
Thing Two: I’d like to do a little bit of Shiva Nata in the morning. Just one run through level 1 horizontal arms, I think. Then I’ll sit on my bed for five minutes and journal.
Here’s what I need for that to happen:
- I need to post the Shiva Nata numbers on my bedroom wall where I can see them.
- I need to read through Cairene’s exercise and make sure I have what I need handy.
- I need to make sure there’s a notebook by my bed for easy journalling after Shiva Nata.
- I need to set my alarm so there’s actually a morning for me to do these things in.
I think I can do those four things before I go to bed.
(Five things, because “do the washing up” is on that list, too. Yay, getting back home? *grumble*)
I notice, though, that I’m worrying about stuff not getting done. Like, if I give myself leeway to do all of this at my pace, everything will fall apart because I won’t get enough done. (Note: I’m getting very little done at the moment, due to depression and poor time management and stuff, and the world has not yet fallen apart. Not too much, anyway.)
So: an experiment. I’m experimenting. And totally experimenting with creating safety and support for myself in the hopes that I’ll feel more energized once I’m grounded. Which is interesting: we’re talking chakra stuff again, and how I’m scared of being energetic without having somewhere for all that energy to go.
I’m wondering if I can build a tiny morning practice that contains Shiva Nata and one or two gentle, gentle grounding exercises. Just breathing or lying on the ground or something.
I’m wondering a lot of things. I guess that’s what retreat does to a person.
Comments.
Ah yes, back to asking for what I want in comments.
The short answer is this: I don’t know. As usual, I don’t want advice, and at some point I really will write the post about why I don’t like to be told what to do (or, honestly, told what you think is going on right now – I like to think I can figure that out). But what I do want? I don’t know.
Maybe you could tell me what you’re experimenting with right now. Or how you feel about the whole “experiment with your patterns” thing.
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